dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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