Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Is it because I queefed?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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