I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
