He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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