If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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