Umm I'm too high to move.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
