i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
