uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
