I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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