At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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