Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
