Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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