I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
