I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
