You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
