i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
