You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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