Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
