god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
