My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
