I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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