Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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