i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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