hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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