How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
