On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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