I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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