So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
