He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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