Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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