last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
