The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize
