Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
