There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
