I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
