Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
