i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
