I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
