I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
