I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
