mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
