Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
