the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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