...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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