I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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