So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
