Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
