i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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