FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
