i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
