totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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