wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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