Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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