there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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