I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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