Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
